I’m featured on Scary Mommy’s blog today – check me out!
If you don’t read the Scary Mommy blog, you must. She’s freaking hilarious. And I’m honored that she invited me to to write a feature for her. So without further ado….
You know what’s scary? The amount of shiiaat you need to buy for babies and the women having them.
Are you a baby mamma? Know or stalking someone about to birth a wee-one? I’ve totally been there and I’m here to help you buy unforgettable gifts from a little place I like to call Etsy. Actually everyone calls it Etsy.
I’ve made a job out of stalking Etsy. It’s a living I don’t exactly get paid for, but they haven’t put out a restraining order on me yet, so I consider it a win.
So if you’re searching for the perfect baby gift, read below. If not, read below.
(1) Give the gift of a placenta bag. Seriously, it will never be forgotten like one of those silly diaper cakes. Please note: placenta not included.
(2) Kids need to know where they come from, right? Start them young and tell the truth. Plus no one is really going to yell at a baby for wearing an inappropriate onsie.
(3) I neeeed for someone to buy this (but not for me please). Little people with no hair love having large things stuck on their heads for no purpose. Really they do.
(4) Everyone wants to know what pregnant boobies look like (what?)which makes this belly/boob charm the perfect gift. Direct quote from the Etsy shop, “The mini belly can be used as a business card holder or sweet decorative greeting.” Ummmm, ok.
(5) Nothing says comfort like barefoot sandals. These treasures are made for babies that are unable to crawl, walk or talk. I’d prepare for an enormous amount of crying if I were you.
(6) If you’ve been to one baby shower, you’ve been to them all. Ooohhhing and ahhhhing over cute crap that will soon be covered in spit, throw up and poop is just passé. So why not show up with a gift the expectant mom will actually use?
Yes, these will be the size of her butt for quite a while. And maybe forever. Trust me, she’ll thank you one day.
Please note: Reactions may differ based on size of baby mama’s butt.
(7) Nothing says you love your kid like the gift of ‘Well-Loved Wooden Blocks’. My favorite is the description (which I highly encourage including on the gift card):
“Make no mistake, they are not new and they do not look new – they have had lots of wear and tear.”
You can’t make this stuff up.
(8) What expectant mom doesn’t love artwork for her baby’s room? I beg one of you to please, please, please purchase a Honey Boo Boo Limited Edition Giclee Print. Let me emphasize that it’s a LIMITED EDITION people. Run, don’t walk to get your hands on one of these redneck treasures. No offense to the rednecks out there.
(9) Please don’t forget to spoil the expectant moms out there. They’re not just an incubator, they’re people too. Show them that you really care with one of the gorgeous maternity dresses. It’s the perfect way to clear up the ever-present question of, “Is she pregnant or just fat?”
(10) Don’t believe everything you see on Horror movies. Kids LOVE creepy clowns. This one happens to be perfectly cuddly and even comes with a mini pocket knife. You know, so any baby can saw his way out of the crib. Yay for a dual-purpose gift.
So there you have it, I provided you my top 10 gift ideas from Etsy for any expectant mom. Now put your arms around me and say thankyouverymuch. You’re very welcome. And you’re very pretty. And your placenta bag is dripping.