Category Archives: Featured

My Arden’s Garden Two-Day(ish) Juice Cleanse Experience

So my friend convinces me that it will be an amazing idea to do one of those two-day juice cleanses. I’ve never been of a fan of them but figured that after raiding my kid’s Halloween bags for the last five nights, I could use some health in my life.

The cleanse involves drinking one gallon of water and one gallon of Arden’s Garden premade juice PER DAY. That’s a lot of liquid. The following is my experience.

Day One:

9:07AM My friend texts me to say he decided to start the cleanse tomorrow. I decide I hate him.

10AM  Hour two of the cleanse. I’m alive. The juice isn’t bad—a grapefruit citrusy situation.

10:22AM Hunger is starting to set in. Probably should have skipped Crossfit this morning.

10:55AM Feeling a little sad as people are starting to discuss lunch around my desk. I like lunch. Can I talk about lunch with you?

11:09AM While in the restroom, I do a sideways in the mirror look to see if I lost weight yet. I’m estimating I’ve lost 10 pounds this morning.

11:40AM I go to get more juice. I’m pretty certain someone in my office is refilling the two-gallon jug while I’m not looking. I’m onto you.  How could it possibly still be so full?

1:12PM I go to Target for lunch. Big mistake. Halloween candy is 50% off.  Cruel and unusual punishment.

1:50PM Is that bologna I smell? I think I’m hallucinating.

5:00PM Did you think I’d given up? No. I’ve just been ignoring the world. Because I hate the world.

6:10PM Oh look at that, I’m in the bathroom again.

6:15PM Is it possible that my skin is clearing up before my eyes? I literally think that’s happening. I found the fountain of youth! Again this could be a hallucination like the bologna.

7:00PM Hi bathroom.

7:54PM Having a stare down with the juice.  I’m afraid no one is winning.

8:57PM My husband arrives home after working late and finds me standing by the refrigerator gulping the juice down straight from the carton. He just shakes his heads and walks away.

9:23PM My husband is snacking on the couch next to me. I start googling divorce lawyers.

9:45PM I finish the gallon of water and don’t quite get through all of the juice. I’ve reached the end of my rope so I give up and go to sleep. Let me rephrase that, I go to the bathroom, then to sleep, then to the bathroom, then sleep….you get the idea.

Day Two:

6:05AM I’m awake and I’m hangry (hungry + angry). This is not a good start to my day. While packing my kids’ lunches I catch a glimpse of the fresh new gallon of juice that is waiting for me today. I slam the refrigerator shut and start making kissing noises and gestures towards my daughter’s peanut butter and jelly sandwich. How you doin’?

6:07AM My kids think I’m crazy. I actually believe that I am.

8:30AM I arrive at work. Barely. I see a banana on a co-worker’s desk. Helllooo there Mr. Banana, you look so fine you blow my mind.

9:03AM I receive an email reminding everyone that today is the office chili and baked goods cook-off. I slump down in my desk and give up my will to live.

10:21AM I’m in the bathroom because where else would I be. They really should have desks and outlets in there.

10:47AM Is it me or is everything on the world wide web about food? I receive an email for a recipe exchange. Don’t you people know I’m cleansing???!!!

11:23AM My coworkers don’t believe me when I say I remember when gas was just .99 cents a gallon. Man I’m old. And old people need to go to the bathroom. Again.

11:47AM Lunch talk is in full swing. I fear death is near.

12:00PM I smell food. Sweet, sweet food. I hear the angels singing.

12:02 I’m knee deep in vegetarian chili, baked brownies and a cold Coke. Someone tries to talk to me and I shove my hand in his face to move it along. This girl is done with her cleanse. Amen.

In summary, liquid cleanses are not for me. Like at all. I understand (not really) that some people swear by them but I just don’t see the health benefits in making myself miserable. The body isn’t supposed to survive on liquids alone. It needs chili and baked goods!crazy sexy diet, kris carr, 21 day cleanse, etsystalkers.com

Now I did do a 21-day clean eating cleanse back in the spring based on the  Crazy Sexy Diet Cleanse and it was amazing. You can read all about my experience right here.

Boo! Halloween is almost here. Check out the MOST UN-SEXY ADULT COSTUMES that will arrive in time.

halloween, Shrek Gingerbread Man Costume, etsy blog, etsystalkers.com

Shrek Gingerbread MAN Costume

 

In a little over a week, kids will be running amock throughout neighborhoods collecting candy (and sugar highs) while their parents chase after them with beers in their hands. At least that’s how it happens in my neighborhood. Some houses even hand out shots for the over 21-crowd making it the best night of the year (especially because it lands on a Friday this time)!

 

 

etsy blog, etsystalkers.com, halloween,  SNL Garth Algar Wig

Saturday Night Live Garth Algar Wig

 

And then of course there’s the raiding the kids’ haul after they go to bed situation. I’m doing it for the kids, people. It’s a  sacrifice but I’m up for it.

 

 

 

Etsy blog, etsystalkers.com, halloween, Rasta Imposta Giraffe Costume

Giraffe Costume

 

I’ve noticed a lot of talk on Facebook (my main news source) about how the sexy Halloween costumes are now making their way into the Tween markets. Obviously this is totally inappropriate, but I can’t help but wonder if it’s because they see how their parents are dressing. I vote that no adults should dress sexy for Halloween anymore! Down with skin! Up with no appeal!

 

 

So with out further ado, I bring to you the most UN-SEXY COSTUMES THAT WILL ARRIVE BY HALLOWEEN:

Mr. or Mrs. Potato Head, halloween, etsy blog, etsystalkers.com

Mr. or Mrs. Potato Head | AWKWARD

FunWorld Big Top Clown Costume, esty blog, etsystalkers.com, halloween

FunWorld Big Top Clown Costume

etsy blog, etsystalkers.com, halloween, Pink Rabbit costume

Pink Rabbit Ridiculousness

etsy blog, etsystalkers.com, halloween,  Inflatable Ballerina Costume

Inflatable Ballerina Costume | Warning: Some may find this sexy

etsy blog, etsystalkers.com, halloween,  Mullet on The Go

Mullet on The Go

Standing in line at Starbucks with a list of drinks and paying for each one separately? No, no, no.

This seriously happened to me this morning. What’s wrong with people?

etsy blog, etsystalkers.com, amazon.com, coffee mug, Handwritten Ceramic Coffee Mug, Happiness in a Cup, Sharpie Mug,

Handwritten Ceramic Coffee Mug | $14.00

I could not stop rolling my eyes at the woman doing the ordering. If I rolled them any harder, they would’ve popped out of my head. Oh and get this. After she handed the Starbucks dude the piece of paper, she verbally added on some more drink orders. Rude.

Anyhoo, I love coffee, especially on rainy mornings like the one we’re having today. It makes me want to curl up with a tank of coffee and a good book. So in honor of the annoying woman ahead of me at Starbucks, I bring to you some amazing coffee items:

etsy blog, etsystalkers.com, amazon.com, love coffee, starbucks

etsy blog, etsystalkers.com, love coffee, kitchen print, but first coffee, handsome craft
Awesome print | $16.50

etsy blog, etsystalkers.com, amazon.com, Kuissential SlickFroth 2.0 - Electric Milk Frother, Cappuccino Maker

My Email Exchange With State Farm About Jake. Jake From State Farm.

jakefromstatefarm

With Halloween around the corner(ish) there’s been an ample amount of conversation about costumes with my kids. My 4 year old has adamantly decided that she wants to be Jake, Jake from State Farm this year—not a princess, ballerina or Frozen character. She wants to be Jake wearing khakis and a red State Farm polo (this gives all of you a little insight into my daily life). And to get into character she now has us calling her Jake throughout the day. It’s going to be a loooong 6 weeks until Halloween.
coach online outlet
Of course, I love how independent and clever my baby girl is and will do anything to support her dream of becoming Jake. So yesterday I did what any mom would do and I went straight to the source. The following email exchange occurred between State Farm and myself. You can’t make this stuff up.

From: Julie
Sent: Tuesday, September 16, 2014 2:04 PM
To: Orders
Subject: State Farm shirt

Hi,

My hilarious 4-year-old daughter wants to be “Jake from State Farm” for Halloween. I can’t find any red State Farm Polos for kids on your website. Is this something I can order? Thanks!


From: Orders <Orders@thecorporateshop.com>
To: Julie
Sent: Tuesday, September 16, 2014 2:53 PM
Subject: RE: State Farm shirt

Hello,

I’m sorry that we do not carry children’s polos on the site.  We could get it through a special order but there are minimum quantity requirements for special orders.  If this is something you are interested in, please let me know and I can forward your e-mail on.
louis vuitton purses outlet online
Thanks,

Sarah

The Corporate Shop

1-800-671-9921


From: Julie
Sent: Tuesday, September 16, 2014 3:08 PM
To: Orders
Subject: Re: State Farm shirt

Thanks for responding. We only need one though. Do you sell iron-on logos by any chance?


No, we don’t.  I’m sorry.

Sarah

 

Do any of you out there have any ideas?

Red polo shirt is a must

Red polo shirt is a must

And of course she’ll need khakis

Throw Back Thursday: So This Is Awkward

Yep, it’s already Thursday (yay for short weeks). The eve of Friday. One of the most awesome times of the week. This week I’m bringing you waaaayyy back to 2011 when I was trying to figure out how to entertain my kids after school. Obviously this was before they had homework and  activities because now I feel like I’m cramming a million things in before bed time.
discount authentic coach handbags
friday eve, etsy, throw back thursday

SO THIS IS AWKWARD

Now that I’m home with my kids after school, I’m sort of at a loss with what to do with them all. day. every. day. I’ve definitely perfected the watching TV activity, the eating a picnic blanket at 5:30 activity and the stalking my neighbors with kids (not in a creepy way) activity. But is there something else I should be doing? Like playing with them?

 

In order to get comfy cozy while watching all of that TV, I’m thinking I must, must, must get a rag quilt from Chez Martine. Note: this could also double as a picnic blanket so I’m pretty much saving money just by purchasing it.

Like how I rationalized that in my mind? But for realz people, feel free to comment on low-key afternoon activity ideas. And don’t send a TV guide – we already know it by heart.

 

I’m sick. I’ve self diagnosed myself with Ebola.

I’ve been stuck in bed for three days straight. People at work have taken to calling me Pukey Julie. In related news, I’m thinking of trying on the bikini I’ve had hidden in the back of my closet ever since having child #2. Since the only thing I’ve had the energy to do is surf the world wide web, I’ve decided to share with you my most recent finds. Please note: I may currently be hallucinating due to the Ebola so I’m not sure if this post actually exists.

Watercolor Art, Feather Print, Colorful Nature Decor, Archival Print, Snoogs and Wilde, etsy blog, etsystalkers.com

Watercolor Art


coach baby
personalized mug, super cali print, personalized cup, secret santa gift, custom mug, etsystalkers.com, etsy blog

Personalized Mug

Trademark Fine Art Urban Watercolor World Map, amazon.com, etsy blog, etsystalkers.com, world map, Michael Tompsett, Canvas Wall Art

Urban Watercolor World Map

etsy blog, etsystalkers.com, amazon.com, kate spade watch, "Gramercy" Rose Gold-Tone Watch

Kate Spade “Gramercy” Rose Gold-Tone Watch

Throw Back Thursday: I saw a teenager waiting for the school bus today and it scared me.

Yep, it’s already Thursday. The eve of Friday. One of the most awesome times of the week. This week I’m bringing you waaaayyy back to 2012. I find this post pretty ironic as I just finished back-to-school shopping with my kids. This year my daughter discovered that store Justice, which means she’s five going on 15 years old. Just walking into that store gave me a headache (similar to the headache I get when walking into Bath & Body Works). But at least her clothes match, which is probably what the mom of the teenage son featured in the post below said. Oy vey.
coach outlet phoenix az
friday eve, etsy, throw back thursday

I saw a teenager waiting for the school bus today and it scared me.

No really, I didn’t want to make eye contact with him because I was a tad freaked out by his appearance. Darren even asked me if the guy was a statue (no joke). Ummm no, apparently that’s going to be you in 10 years. Is this what I have to look forward to with my kids? Don’t they just stay cute, dress in clothes that I’ve approved and go to over-priced kid hair salons? After seeing this kid, I’m assuming not.

Since I now realize that the control I have over my kids is limited, I’m going to force them to wear cute cloths from Gymboree, Tea Collection and Sewn Natural until they fight back. And then I’ll just ground them.

 

 

 

And then I’ll really, really ground them if I find out they’re sneaking out from the first grounding. Ugh, even I can’t take my parenting skills seriously.

 

 

 

Two weeks as a stay-at-home-mom = a one-way ticket to the Looney bin.

First I have to say ‘hats off’ to all of you stay at home moms out there. I literally don’t know how you do it. Why am I bringing this up? Because I had this grandiose idea that taking the last two weeks of summer off would be an amazing way to usher in the school year with the ki ds. In my mind: The kids would swim away the days and fall into bed at night happy and exhausted. In reality: It’s the end of the summer. The kids are sick of the pool. And they hate sleeping.   Birthday Printable Party, Frog Prince Paperie, etsy blog, etsystalkers.com ds. In my mind: The kids would swim away the days and fall into bed at night happy and exhausted. In reality: It’s the end of the summer. The kids are sick of the pool. And they hate sleeping.   Birthday Printable Party, Frog Prince Paperie, etsy blog, etsystalkers.com In my mind: We’d set up a fun and profitable lemonade stand where we would learn the meaning of earning a dollar. In reality: I set up the stand and then I had to persuade the kids to sell the lemonade. At one point I resorted to showing some leg to get people to stop. Probably not the best lesson to teach my kids.
nike free 70

Harry Potter Paperback Box Set, etsy blog, amazon.com, etsystalkers.com, summer reading

Harry Potter Paperback Box Set

In my mind: We’d finish summer reading off strong by reading the first Harry Potter book together. First I would read a page and then my son, etc. In reality: My son hid the book after the second day and now we can’t find it.     In my mind: The two weeks would fly by. In reality: I’m thinking of dropping my kids off at school 5 days early. So as the summer winds down, I realize that all of you moms that stay at home with your kids all summer are not only special but deserve to throw a kegger when you put your kids on the bus in the upcoming weeks. Please, please, please invite me.