So my friend convinces me that it will be an amazing idea to do one of those two-day juice cleanses. I’ve never been of a fan of them but figured that after raiding my kid’s Halloween bags for the last five nights, I could use some health in my life.
The cleanse involves drinking one gallon of water and one gallon of Arden’s Garden premade juice PER DAY. That’s a lot of liquid. The following is my experience.
9:07AM My friend texts me to say he decided to start the cleanse tomorrow. I decide I hate him.
10AM Hour two of the cleanse. I’m alive. The juice isn’t bad—a grapefruit citrusy situation.
10:22AM Hunger is starting to set in. Probably should have skipped Crossfit this morning.
10:55AM Feeling a little sad as people are starting to discuss lunch around my desk. I like lunch. Can I talk about lunch with you?
11:09AM While in the restroom, I do a sideways in the mirror look to see if I lost weight yet. I’m estimating I’ve lost 10 pounds this morning.
11:40AM I go to get more juice. I’m pretty certain someone in my office is refilling the two-gallon jug while I’m not looking. I’m onto you. How could it possibly still be so full?
1:12PM I go to Target for lunch. Big mistake. Halloween candy is 50% off. Cruel and unusual punishment.
1:50PM Is that bologna I smell? I think I’m hallucinating.
5:00PM Did you think I’d given up? No. I’ve just been ignoring the world. Because I hate the world.
6:10PM Oh look at that, I’m in the bathroom again.
6:15PM Is it possible that my skin is clearing up before my eyes? I literally think that’s happening. I found the fountain of youth! Again this could be a hallucination like the bologna.
7:00PM Hi bathroom.
7:54PM Having a stare down with the juice. I’m afraid no one is winning.
8:57PM My husband arrives home after working late and finds me standing by the refrigerator gulping the juice down straight from the carton. He just shakes his heads and walks away.
9:23PM My husband is snacking on the couch next to me. I start googling divorce lawyers.
9:45PM I finish the gallon of water and don’t quite get through all of the juice. I’ve reached the end of my rope so I give up and go to sleep. Let me rephrase that, I go to the bathroom, then to sleep, then to the bathroom, then sleep….you get the idea.
6:05AM I’m awake and I’m hangry (hungry + angry). This is not a good start to my day. While packing my kids’ lunches I catch a glimpse of the fresh new gallon of juice that is waiting for me today. I slam the refrigerator shut and start making kissing noises and gestures towards my daughter’s peanut butter and jelly sandwich. How you doin’?
6:07AM My kids think I’m crazy. I actually believe that I am.
8:30AM I arrive at work. Barely. I see a banana on a co-worker’s desk. Helllooo there Mr. Banana, you look so fine you blow my mind.
9:03AM I receive an email reminding everyone that today is the office chili and baked goods cook-off. I slump down in my desk and give up my will to live.
10:21AM I’m in the bathroom because where else would I be. They really should have desks and outlets in there.
10:47AM Is it me or is everything on the world wide web about food? I receive an email for a recipe exchange. Don’t you people know I’m cleansing???!!!
11:23AM My coworkers don’t believe me when I say I remember when gas was just .99 cents a gallon. Man I’m old. And old people need to go to the bathroom. Again.
11:47AM Lunch talk is in full swing. I fear death is near.
12:00PM I smell food. Sweet, sweet food. I hear the angels singing.
12:02 I’m knee deep in vegetarian chili, baked brownies and a cold Coke. Someone tries to talk to me and I shove my hand in his face to move it along. This girl is done with her cleanse. Amen.
In summary, liquid cleanses are not for me. Like at all. I understand (not really) that some people swear by them but I just don’t see the health benefits in making myself miserable. The body isn’t supposed to survive on liquids alone. It needs chili and baked goods!